The Manchester City FFP hearing has finally begun and in the false hope that it’s resolved quickly we’ve done Sheikh Mansour the solid of reassigning all of their star players on the assumption that they will not want to slum it in the lower reaches of the English football pyramid when they get the PSR book thrown at them and are expelled from the Premier League.
Stefan Ortega – Southampton
From 1986 loanee Eric Nixon to Angus Gunn, then Willy Caballero (alright, he was at Chelsea in between) and finally Gavin Bazunu, Southampton do have a thing for signing Manchester City keepers. Plus we can’t help but chuckle at the thought of Aaron Ramsdale being shunted down the pecking order.
Ederson – Liverpool
Watching a Liverpool fanbase work itself into an impotent rage at the mere prospective injustice of their brilliance going largely unrewarded because of potential financial impropriety, before then having to retract their Alisson versus Ederson hot takes, would be great fun.
Scott Carson – Real Madrid
Obviously.
Kyle Walker – Bayern Munich
May well be tempted again having supposedly ‘said yes’ to a move in the summer of 2023, though that may have been him angling for a new deal, which duly arrived.
Ruben Dias – Wolves
A Jorge Mendes client, to clear up any confusion.
John Stones – Chelsea
Still not clear if Chelsea have two good centre-backs and Stones would walk into the team assuming Todd Boehly wins the Stamford Bridge civil war and puts an end to the anti-experience mantra endorsed and ensured by Behdad Eghbali.
Nathan Ake – Newcastle
Ake has said that Eddie Howe has the “Pep effect”, whatever that means, but also insists they maintain “a very good relationship” from their Bournemouth days.
Josko Gvardiol – Arsenal
A centre-back-cum-full-back, you say? Yes please.
Manuel Akanji – Brentford
The data-driven, analytical approach at Brentford would serve Manuel Akanji’s most-renowned non-footballing talent well.
Rico Lewis – Bournemouth
That really is an almost parodically Bournemouth footballer name.
Kalvin Phillips – Leeds
All evidence suggests it’s the only football club Kalvin Phillips can play football for.
Oscar Bobb – Borussia Dortmund
A short stay, during which he’ll score and assist sufficiently to raise his market value to £100m+, earning him the move to Real Madrid.
Jack Grealish – AC Milan
The place for crocked, down-on-their-luck Englishmen to rediscover their form and love of football.
Rodri – Barcelona
We doubt we’re alone in thinking Rodri would be more of a likeness to Sergio Busquets than Andreas Christensen, who’s currently the man sitting at the base of Barcelona’s midfield. Also can’t bear the thought of him moving to Real Madrid and them winning everything for the next five years.
Ilkay Gundogan – Bayern Munich
Absolutely no chance that Vincent Kompany doesn’t jump at the chance.
Mateo Kovacic – Inter Milan
A move that feels destined to happen given Kovacic has ‘opened the door to a return’ on multiple occasions since leaving Inter for Real Madrid nearly a decade ago.
James McAtee – Crystal Palace
A couple of seasons with only one James Mac at Selhurst Park was bad enough and natural order must be restored after two seasons without any.
Kevin De Bruyne – West Ham
David Moyes will already have the Leon Osman tapes ready to show Kevin De Bruyne how to pass, cross, create and generally influence a game. Do not ask why. Just watch, learn and be grateful.
Bernardo Silva – Fulham
The chance for the Irish father and son to reunite at Craven Cottage is not something Fulham manager Marc O’Silva is about to pass up on.
Mathues Nunes – Paris Saint-Germain
Having come to terms with their top Portuguese midfield target’s inevitable move to Craven Cottage, they can have the other one.
Maximo Perrone – Brighton
A 20-year-old Argentinean midfielder signed for £8m from Velez Sarsfield in a January transfer window is as Brighton as it gets.
Jeremy Doku – Barcelona
Remain desperate for a left winger having been snubbed by Nico Williams, who we are for some reason entirely convinced will snub them again for Arsenal.
Savinho – Palermo
Followed by Troyes, Lommel, New York City, Mumbai City and whichever other clubs the City Football Group add to their roster between now and then.
Phil Foden – Chelsea
That Chelsea squad really is looking a little light on precociously talented attacking options who could theoretically play as but categorically are not strikers. It’s also quite clearly the place to go for Manchester City academy graduates.
Erling Haaland – Everton
Sean Dyche will show him what it is to be a proper striker like Sam Vokes, Ashley Barnes or Chris Wood, and we can finally put an end to the age-old debate over whether Dominic Calvert-Lewin would score as many goals as Haaland if they had the same number of chances.
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